The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
