Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
