I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
His hands were made for my vagina.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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