FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
