we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
