fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
