im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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