My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
