I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
