This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
