I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
