If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
