cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
