Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
