So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
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I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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