3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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