Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
