I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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