dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
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My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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