Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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