period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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