i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
well you can't waste a boner
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
