Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
