Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
