the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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