In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize