please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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