Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
