you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
