Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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