You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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