The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
