so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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