I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
