1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
