i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
