My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She even gives head with a lisp.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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