im six kinds of drunk right now
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
