you have to choose: penises or morals?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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