How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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