john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
