I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
