Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
40s are totally the cure
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
