Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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