She is in my trunk
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
