Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
cat food counts as protein by the way
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
