did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
