the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
