Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
