I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
