I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That accounts for only three of the penises
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
