So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
