I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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