You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
