I smell stomach acid.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
