how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
