Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
