There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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