you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
