I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
