Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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