i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How's work?
Spinning.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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