I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
